Listen to the audio version HERE.
thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I was in charge. I thought my vision
would be the blueprint for a life that I would build piece-by-piece and
part-by-part backed by my own will and rationale. I thought my life would look
like my own version of a living art installation that would reflect me and fuse
together what I found compelling and worthwhile. I thought I got to decide and
that with a little planning my life would unfold the way I thought it should.
that what they tell us? Create a vision, set goals, and take tangible action to
that end. We are told that divine intervention of the not-so-desirable kind is
the exception, not the rule, that catastrophe only happens to a friend of a
friend, to the poor guy in the next town over, or to that kid you heard about
on the news. Until it does happen, not to an acquaintance, a neighbor, or even
to a friend—it happens to you.
child pasting together a world with a glue stick, the life you had so carefully
built begins to come undone. The fire of life arrives with a mind all it’s own
and dissolves any solidity you thought your carefully constructed world had.
Like leaning on a house of cards, what you assembled falls apart before your
eyes revealing the delicate balance of it all. You wonder how you bought into
its solidity in the first place.
Perhaps it hasn’t happened to you. Maybe it won’t.
to know. I did. I asked for illusion to fall away. I asked for spirit to take
over and to take it from here. I asked to live as the love I felt I was at my
essence. I asked to realize and embody the me that I knew I was on the inside
but couldn’t seem to bring out.
once or twice, did I ask, but over and over and with resolve and a sincerity
that came right from the depths of my soul. I see now that these pleas were
dangerous prayers, like a mere mortal summoning the wrath of the gods, or like
activating a point of departure to an ultimate quest—a point of no return.
truth is I was drying up in the midst of my pasted-together life. It looked
more-than-alright on the outside but on the inside I felt spent and like I was
just going through the motions. I wondered why a life that seemed like it
should satisfy left me so parched. There were moments of joy and satisfaction,
but overall I secretly felt like I wasn’t really living. That may come as a
surprise to some who looked in on my life and thought I had it together. I was
likely looking in on yours and thinking the same thing—that you got some kind
of memo that I didn’t get.
quite managed to create the life I felt would bring me true fulfillment and the
harder I tried the more it seemed to elude me. I created excitement for myself
through love affairs, emotional drama, and numbed my dissatisfaction in spiritual
practices and mind-altering substances, which approximated the feeling of being
totally alive that seemed to elude me.
while asking to know. Asking to be shown. Asking to be told.
listening spirit…just let me in on what’s real.” Little did I know that I was
planting the seeds of the dissolution of my world. I was stoking a fire,
through my asking, that I would have to release near-everything into. And I
would with great hesitation and resistance throw in one after the other…my role
in the world, my identity, my business, many of my pass times, most of my
relationships, my conception of god and the universe, the meaning of life, and
the ground I had built my life on that was now crumbling.
about a dangerous prayer.
|Artwork by Arnaldo Marasol|
off the grid now of the life I had envisioned. I didn’t die although I often
felt like I was and sometimes I still do. I’m way off the navigational radar,
the GPS of who I thought I was and the terrain I imagined I would cover in this
life. I can say with some certainty now that I know what is real—for me. I’ve
finally reached the solid ground of truth that was many layers down from the
ground I had built my life on.
fire of transformation still burns strong and my life continues to have a mind
of its own. Not my mind but a vaster mind. Any sense I had of being in control
is long gone and instead there is humility in its place that understands that
this very different life than I conceived is actually the life I came to live.
While I am way off my own GPS, I know that I am living on a bigger navigational
system that belongs to the mind of god and to divine intelligence.
the life that has carved out the face of wisdom in me.
brutal wind that carves out the face of a canyon, what’s revealed in the rough
is so much more beautiful than the untouched surface that was there before.
answers to our most burning questions lead us down paths we would never choose
and yet we do chose them on the level of soul. We ask to be ripened, our pleas
coming in the form of prayers, tears, and silent desperation. The maturation of
soul these paths require are not for the faint of heart and when we set foot
here it requires all the courage we can muster and then some.
chose our breaking open and it’s in this opening that we become wiser, humbler,
experience-steeped versions of ourselves. We become who we are, who we came
here to be.