Love After the Fireworks

I’m not confused about my sexuality. I polarize effortlessly with men, and feel at home in my erotic and sexual nature. I am confused however, about something just as basic—I’m perplexed about intimate relationships between men and women. I’m bewildered about romantic love, although I’m beginning to understand the blaring difference between infatuation and love, which seemed to elude me until recently.

I realize that many of my relationships have been infatuations built on fantasy and wishful thinking. I’ve leapt in with both feet daydreaming about marriage and babies while still high on the intoxicating fumes of initial passion and bliss. I know that high well and relish it. It’s usually relatively short-lived and accompanied by a low as reality settles in and the man becomes a mere mortal again with shortcomings I seemed to overlook in the frenzy. In the post-high it’s obvious that the man I was over the moon with was not an ideal match for me—we had different values and dreams, or both, and synching up our lives in a sustainable way was unlikely. I try to turn lovers into partners and it works only temporarily at best.

Photography by Artist Unknown

I’m at a choice point now: I can continue this pattern of deluded relating or implement what I’ve learned to foster a new reality-based approach to romantic love. This new approach, rooted in greater self-worth, entails due diligence on my potential love candidates to see if we’re actually a fit. What a radical idea! I need to investigate whether there are shared values and vision for a life built on a foundation made of the same stuff. This more grounded approach to love requires keeping my clothes on, probably long past the initial urges to take them off, and will require that I ‘fill my own well’ in terms of getting my needs met.

In coming from wholeness, a man must be able to enhance my life and I must be able to enhance his to create sustainable union. Otherwise, we are doomed from the get-go to abandon ship as soon as the fireworks are over. I want a love that lasts after the fireworks. I want to co-create and craft a solid partnership. I want to love and be loved in the real, not only in the fantasy. I want a partnership rooted in higher purpose that serves the world, a partnership that takes my man and I beyond where we could go on our own into a deeper offering of heart for all.  In time, I envision supporting others in deepening their own relationships. For now, I am a humble student of love and relating, feeling my way towards the sustainable offering of my 
heart.

This is an excerpt of a larger work. Read another part here: Aftermath

2014 © Marie-Ève Bonneau